Being real is hard work. Honesty. Truthfulness about who we are. We live in a divided world that makes it hard to be—well, yourself. If we are not vigilant, it is easy for us to become divided and adopt it as a lifestyle. Social media allows us to have friends, fans, and followers in the thousands and yet no one knows who we truly are.
We show one side of who we are on social media—only the highlights, another side at work—to show our competence. We are one way with our friends, yet another with our family. Maybe to keep the peace. And my guess is we are still yet another when we close the door and are alone with ourselves.
This compartmentalization—or division—of our selves happens slowly over time, often according to the roles we play, or out of fear of negative responses from others. This division is the enemy of authenticity.
Authenticity Requires Wholeness
Authenticity requires integration—a wholeness—within ourselves. We know, see, and accept all the different parts of our self—the good, the bad, and the ugly. When we accept the limitations of our humanness—our imperfections, flaws, mistakes, and failings—we can also accept our accomplishments, triumphs, successes, and achievements.
We accept both with humility. This is hard to do. The struggle to be authentic is real. The cost of anything less than authenticity is too high.
The world desperately needs all of you, not parts of you.
Your unique expression of being in the world makes a difference in the lives of others. -Tara E. Kassi
One caveat—authenticity does not mean sharing everything about ourselves with every person we meet all of the time. It simply means we are not secretive or hiding parts of ourselves out of fear. Authenticity means we have the right and the ability to choose privacy as an option. We choose appropriately when and how much information we share and with whom we share it.
The Problem
A problem arises when we can’t accept parts of ourselves or if we fear that revealing parts of who we are will result in a negative response from others, whether it is ridicule, shame, or lack of acceptance.
So we hold back certain parts of who we are. We box them up, tie on a ribbon, and slip the box on a high shelf up where no one will see it.
We think it will afford us some protection.
It doesn’t work. In fact, not only does it not work to protect us, but also it creates further division within ourselves. When there is division within, we cannot be at peace with ourselves or with others. Anything less than being real is a price too high to pay.
The Cost of Dis-Integration
1. We Lose Our Self
Our identity is comprised of all of the characteristics, beliefs, qualities, values, personality traits, etc. that make each of us different from anyone else.
When we split off parts of our self and try to hide those parts from others, we begin to lose a sense of who we are. We start defining ourselves by what others think or say about us. Or we define ourselves by what we do rather than by who we are—a sure sign we are unclear about our identity.
We sense this most when we are alone and all is quiet. We know we are so much more than our job, a role we play, or how others define us. We want to be true to ourselves, if we could just figure out what that is.
Ever been there?
2. We Pursue Perfection
When we base our identity on what others think or by what we do, we have to protect ourselves. When we show our weakness, make a mistake, or flat-out fail, we feel judged and our sense of competence is threatened. We have to hide it quickly so no one finds out. They might discover we are a fraud. This fuels our tireless and futile pursuit of perfection.
The more we operate out of who we are rather than what we do, the less threatened we feel when we make a mistake. We are still learning. We will never get to a place where we know everything. But we can learn and given time to practice, we will get better. Not perfect—but better.
3. We Can’t “Feel Felt” By Another
Every time we hide parts of us away so no one can see, we are no longer integrated—a unified whole. When we dis-integrate, we are being false–a fake, a phony, artificial, deceptive—to our self and to others.
When we are not being true to who we are, we lose out on the experience of “feeling felt” by another—a critical need for all human beings. Dr. Siegel uses this term to describe the experience of attunement. When “. . . one’s here-and-now experiences are sensed directly, accepted for what they are, and acknowledged with kindness and respect” the atmosphere begins to shift because I know that you understand me.
We can’t feel the acceptance and understanding from another because they aren’t accepting and understanding our true self, just the persona we are projecting.
4. We Waste Our Time and Energy
When we are dis-integrated, we waste our time and energy on self-protection, rather than on the things that matter most to us—our priorities, our vision, our dreams, our creativity, and our growth. Keeping up appearances is exhausting. Being comfortable in your own skin is like a breath of fresh air and brings freedom to be who we are.
5. We Don’t Know What We Want
We spend so much effort trying to please the people around us; sometimes we don’t even know what we want.
When someone asks you to pick a movie, a restaurant, or something to do, do you choose? Or do you say, “It doesn’t matter to me, you pick”?
If you have never done it, I challenge you to make a list of 10 things you like (or like to do). The next time someone asks you for input on where to go, what to order, or what to do, I want you to answer truthfully about what you would like to do. Refrain from saying, “I don’t care, you choose.” Remarkably, this can be harder than you think.
A Call to Authenticity
Authenticity is scarce in our divided world. We need to be bold, daring, and true to who we are. We need to insist upon nothing less than authenticity from ourselves.
I’ve written A Call to Authenticity, a Manifesto for Educators, and I’d love to share it with you.
You can download a free copy from the right side bar.