There’s been a lot of buzz surrounding the controversial incident that occurred at the 2018 US Open final match between Serena Williams and Naomi Osaka. I’ve waited until some of the dust has settled to write this post, but I don’t want to allow a teachable moment to pass by without notice.
If you don’t follow tennis and are unaware of what happened, you can read the story here. My goal is not to retell the story, but to share my thoughts about what happened and how it could have been avoided.
An Avoidable Situation
The display on the 2108 US Open Women’s Singles Final Match court was an unfortunate situation because it could have been avoided. The chair umpire, Carlos Ramos, and Serena Williams allowed their emotions to drive their decisions in the moment and it went downhill fast.
Once emotions are allowed to be in the driver’s seat, it is very difficult if not impossible for your logical brain to think about potential consequences or to see another’s perspective. Both of their perspectives were blinded in the heat of the moment and neither was trying to see the other’s perspective.
Clearly Carlos and Serena both felt strongly about the decisions they were making. Neither of them got to the positions they are in because they don’t care about the work they do. Two strong personalities felt the need to make their point, but the US Open Final Match was not the time, nor the place to do that.
Everyone Loses, Even the Winner
Unfortunately, when people allow their emotions, or their ‘Feeling Brain’, to be in the driver’s seat and make the decisions, no one comes out a winner. Situations like these polarize people. Fans feel the need to demonstrate their loyalty by choosing a side, which just exacerbates the situation.
Carlos did his job to the letter of the law, but he’s not coming out a winner. I can’t imagine from the articles I’ve read that he feels great about that match. He stayed inside the first couple of days after the match to avoid angry fans.
Serena, not only lost the 2018 US Open, but her emotional display on the court has left her open to some unflattering memes—not the message she was trying to send. The one who lost the most, was Naomi Osaka, the winner of the 2018 U.S. Open, because the spotlight was redirected to the incident, not on Naomi where it should have been, as the first Japanese player in history to win a Grand Slam.
If anyone was a ‘thief’, I’d say it was Carlos and Serena for stealing the opportunity for Naomi to beat Serena on her own terms, not because of points given or taken due to penalties.
My hope is that Osaka doesn’t question her win. Although, as a human being, I think it would be rolling around the back of my mind. To me, this is the saddest part of this entire situation.
Separating Facts and Feelings
It is so critical that we learn how to separate what is actually happening from how we feel about what is happening. Emotions are like indicator lights on a car’s dashboard. They give us a warning about what is going on ‘under the hood.’
These moments give us the opportunity to stop and take a deep breathe, identify what is going on inside, and take care of ourselves, so we can get our ‘Thinking Brain’ re-engaged and back in the driver’s seat to make the best decisions.
It is easy to let our emotions run away like a freight train. In fact, sometimes it feels good in the moment. But these are often the moments we regret. We think later what we could have, and maybe should have, done differently.
The difficult part, the adult thing to do, is to keep our emotions in check. How? Separate what is happening—the facts of the situation—from the feelings we are experiencing. There are plenty of strategies for helping us calm our emotional responses. The simplest one, take 10 slow, deep breaths.
As adults, we have to learn and practice this skill because there are children watching how we handle situations. I’ve always told my children, ‘It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt people or things.’ This was a great match for a teachable moment. Our family had a discussion about what happens when we let feelings get out of control, break things, and all of the unintended consequences that can happen.
Real Issues
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying there aren’t real issues that need to be discussed and addressed in the world of tennis about how men and women are treated. But this was not the time or format for these things to be addressed. The real issue in the conflict on the court is about the need for emotional competency for those involved. When adults are able to regulate their emotions, the discussion about equality and what needs to change can be dealt with in the appropriate place, at the appropriate time, and with the appropriate people so that real change can take place.